*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Optional boss fight.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.