*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Wise advice
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob