*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.