*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Did my cat write this
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle