[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.