Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.