Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.