Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
A drum solo but on your face.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.