Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
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Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
that de-escalated quickly
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.