Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
when you order from DoorDastardly
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield