Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
🤭😂
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?