Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.