Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.