[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit