Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Beware…..
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
hmmm
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.