Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.