*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.