Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
See..?
.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.