Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
How to make infinite energy.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…