“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
oh u like geography? name every lake
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one