Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*