“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”