@weinerdog4life

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

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@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

@smiles_and_nods

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

@AmishSuperModel

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@SarcasticCharm

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

@CorkyCrashed

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@TheOneTrueDisco

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.