@GABBYdaAngSaya Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
@slimmy_shady Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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@GABBYdaAngSaya 
@Smooheed If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
@Dawn_M_ If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
@LurkAtHomeMom Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
@dimplesticks My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
@Brewsker If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
@Tbone7219 I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
@TheAndrewNadeau ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
@SortaBad *Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
@manateedad Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry