Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
So glad we cleared that up
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Bartenders are just boneless bars