@slimmy_shady

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

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@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@Dawn_M_

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

@dimplesticks

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@Tbone7219

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@manateedad

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry