Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome