Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”