Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
They’re really bad with fonts.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
This is why I hate group projects
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?