Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Yes my dude
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”