Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
☺️
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness