Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
My last name is Zilla.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.