wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you