Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
You Might Also Like
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints