Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Herpes is trending, good job people
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Terribly Tuesday.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.