*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.