@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

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@BuckyIsotope

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@HannahAntics

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

@Lisa_Laughs_

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

@KatherineOwen01

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

@FredPollack

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.