Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Autocarrot sucks!
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.