Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Why is no one talking about this?!
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.