“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.