Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.