Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.