“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that