Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
my one true gender
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”