Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.


“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”


Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.


I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact


Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*


kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them


[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago


if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.


Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.