Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Cake safety first. Always.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.