@eleniZarro

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

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@notacroc

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

@bonehugsnirony

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@JJSummertime

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

@cellapaz

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

@NotTodayEric

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

@dumbbeezie

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

@NamestartswithZ

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO