“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?