Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.