Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
what could possibly go wrong?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.