Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home