“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess