Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Chicago sounds lovely.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Yes, but it was never about money
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Catering service
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks