Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8