want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I hate when that happens.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.