Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.